Session 7 First attempts at assertiveness. Help

Respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself; your feelings, concerns, and opinions and ask for what you want. Also, learn how to say “no” without feeling guilty
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peony
Posts: 62
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:08 am
Location: Canada

Session 7 First attempts at assertiveness. Help

Post by peony » Fri May 04, 2012 1:50 am

I am a person who has held it in, let it pass, sucked it up for years. Once in awhile I take things out on people close to me like my husband. I tend to gravitate towards people who have strong personalities. Needless to say they like to have their way and I tend to let them.

For session 7 Lucinda said there would be plenty of opportunities. Monday -none, Tuesday- none , Wednesday- none
So today I had 3 "opportunities" and I took them. It was VERY scary.

1) My girlfriend of 35 years consistently is not supportive of things I have been excited about. My 2 businesses she did not support. Recently my enthusiasm for political action. She did not like. Yesterday, I saw a petition I knew she would sign and I asked her to distribute around to friends. I thought she ignored my email so I had the assertive talk all planned out and ready to go to her house to tell her that I dont feel good about her non support of me, when I found she HAD posted the petition on her facebook. So I didnt do it but I was/am very ready for the next time

2) My best girlfriend phoned wanted to see if I wanted to go to a homeopathic weight loss program
with her. I said no, but I had lost about 5 lb when I took a trip and smoked for about 2 weeks recently. Now I dont usually smoke but when I am with smokers I will have a few. She said I had to quit and I was too intelligent to be doing this to myself and I was really stupid to smoke and I have to stop right NOW... etc. I told her that when she browbeats me like this I dont really want to do what she asks. I feel talked down to. She argued that I was being bla bla I repeated that I dont feel good when I get lectured. She eventually went quiet. This is scary... I wonder if it will affect the friendship? I didnt apologise for anything like I usually do when someone gets upset. I felt good but I feel bad now

3) My sister-in-law is taking advantage of the fact that she has access to funds due to her husband, my brother being co-executor of my mother's estate. We have found evidence of things which are illegal but since it's family I have been attempting to keep peace by saying nothing. There are 5 of us who will inherit; if this keeps up there will be nothing.
Today she advised of a "pressing" situation (not pressing; wanting to push for more control). I phoned her. I should have planned it. I didnt. I went for it.
I told her that I admired her and have always liked her, and appreciated all she has done for the family (all true).
I told her I speak only for myself that when I find evidence of wrongdoing and deceitfulness I am very hurt (true true). There was a very long silence. ... then she said, " I dont know what you are talking about. What is it?" Here's where I made the mistake. I should've just kept quiet or said, "you know what" (cheques, credit cards, missing wedding ring and likely others that we dont know) but I picked a very small problem where she seems to have lied about doing something FOR the estate work that she obviously didnt do. Then she went ballistic went for "I resent you accusing me of lying etc etc After all I have done for your family etc etc" and she actually hung up.

I felt strong after the call, but really shaken up. I dont do this kind of thing. I dont like people being mad at me. It felt more like the wrong thing: aggression. I'm afraid I screwed up and things will get worse. I love my bro and his kids and I know my mom would hate for us to be fighting.

Help!

peony
Posts: 62
Joined: Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:08 am
Location: Canada

Re: Session 7 First attempts at assertiveness. Help

Post by peony » Sat May 05, 2012 3:43 am

Update on the three situations where I was assertive yesterday.

1) I actally didnt speak to her but I have everything prepped for next time it happens

2) I was afraid she might be mad at me for the "I messages" but we went out tonight as we had planned before and it was a great evening with other ladies. I felt really strong because I stood up to her. She understands what I am doing with improving my mental health through assertiveness (and the other things in the program).

3) I described what happened to another person who knows the situation. I thought she would say it was a mistake because my sister-in-law got so furious at me after I told her I was hurt by her actions. The other person said "good for you. The reaction shows that I hit a true spot". I felt very proud that I stood up to this difficult situation. An almost immediate side effect is that my brother who has been in background is respectfully stepping up to the plate to pitch in where his wife had been obstructing. How amazing is that? I am dumbfounded by the effect of 5 minutes of little me standing up for me!! I feel tall.

It was scary. But worth it.

randy c.
Posts: 187
Joined: Tue Aug 19, 2008 10:27 pm

Re: Session 7 First attempts at assertiveness. Help

Post by randy c. » Mon Jul 14, 2014 11:28 am

This is an old post but it proves the program works. Good for you peony.If you check back in tell us how your doing after the program. :mrgreen:

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