Any advice?

Suffering from OCD? Post your history, experience, comments and/or suggestions
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Smiling Sunflower
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2007 10:03 pm

Any advice?

Post by Smiling Sunflower » Wed Apr 25, 2012 1:11 pm

I haven't posted much, but I did post a little history about me on the Session 3 board earlier this week.

I've dealt with anxiety for 20 yrs, mostly generalized anxiety disorder and some panic/social anxiety. Got a hold on it really well off and on and was doing great for the last few yrs. Had a family member get in a terrible accident in Nov and didn't know how to deal with it. It was a month of phone calls and scary, scary worries and he was finally okay. It seemed to turn my fear center ON and the generalized anxiety worsened for 3 mos. It was starting to really bug me and make me feel ill at ease a lot of the day and I had kind of forgotten how to cope with it as well since it'd been very mild for a few yrs.

In Feb I had an incident that is just flat out soooo dumb, but it set off a panic attack at home and set me into major anxious mode. I feel like an idiot even talking about it, but sometimes it's easier to tell people on a message board than someone face to face that knows you. (I have told my hubby about most of it, and he's supportive, but has never had issues quite like this.) I'd not dealt with anything ocd, well maybe a little, but not really, so it's been a whole new wing of the anxiety spectrum for me to learn to deal with.

My issue is for 3 months now I've had stomach-churning fear over thoughts I imagine. It started one day when I was mixing a health drink in my blender. I looked over and near it was an upside down, half empty bottle of dishwasher detergent. It was a green plastic bottle and reminded me of the brown Hershey's syrup bottles that I'd squeeze into my son's milk to make chocolate milk. After I made the shake I felt a worry that what if I had been daydreaming or something and inadvertently squirted some of that detergent into my chocolate health shake. I immediately dismissed it as stupid and went to my pc to check email, etc, and drank it. Then my son and hubby went to work and school. After they left I couldn't get the fear that I'd accidentally put that in there while not thinking since the thought of putting the syrup in my milk was in my mind and what if I drank it. So of course, the irrational omg what if's started and of course I knew I didn't. I analyzed the taste, the residue in the glass, the positioning of the upside down bottle, stood where I stood while making the shake and made sure the bottle was still in the exact spot, etc. You know how it goes, it's all ridiculous, but you are just in a panic. (Not to mention I would've tasted the yucky stuff and it probably would've foamed for crying out loud!) Anyway, this went on for an hour, me going in there checking, talking myself into feeling halfway okay, then back to it again. Finally I threw the green bottle in the trash and put the trash outside.

Well, this set off panic over me doing that. For 2 weeks, every drink or food or meal I made for me or my family had me getting more and more nervous that I unknowingly put something detrimental in it. Finally I was so upset by it all that I told my husband. It was all making me a nervous wreck non-stop, and more and more fearful thoughts spiraled. I couldn't sleep at night, just fear fear fear that I'd do something to hurt myself or us, and then the thoughts of harming others started. I saw danger everywhere, I would see things on tv and then fear I'd do it. Those of you that have dealt with this probably know exactly what I'm talking about on how it spirals.

Fast forward 2 months. I've worked hard to get myself back to where I was before that accident in Nov. I know the real, carefree me is still in there, I'm just trying hard to wipe the fog off and bring her back out. I have been doing the program a little here or there and am trying to commit to it now and have been doing the relaxation cd for the last few days and it's helping a lot of quiet my mind. I am working on session 3, the self talk one, and I've listened to others, and specifically the ocd lesson to try to get through this junk.

I have seen first hand it's easier to deal with when your overall more relaxed. A heightened sense of anxiety can last around the clock, or ready to turn into high gear, and it is like you put on fear glasses.

I'm just asking for advice (sorry this is so long), I'm just sick and tired of the way these fears try to 'latch on'. I have certain triggers and once it sees that trigger it tries and tries like a dog with a bone to latch on and send me spiraling. The kicker is, I'll recognize it, I'll try some coping mechanisms, and sometimes I can head it off, sometimes it just bugs me for hours. It even goes back and forth. I'll talk myself out of the fear and it comes back in the back of my mind a few min later and we go around and around. How do you get it not to latch??

HOW do I get past this nagging feeling that I'm fooling myself or something? It tries to ignore logic and still plant seeds of doubt in my mind that oh something happened and you are just blocking it out. That what scares me and keeps it going, it's like it tries to find a way around ALL the logic I come up with and once I feel better that still lingers. The junk I worry about is all life threatening and that's what makes it hard to get rid of.

I know this is a process and takes time. I just wonder if anyone has any pointers?

I feel great some of the time when I can keep my thoughts positive and not let it run, and then bam, there's a trigger that sneaks up on me, like today. I tried all I could think of and it still bugs me and then once I get over the terror that what if I'd done that, then I feel drained and so sad and depressed that it got to me again and when will I get over this etc etc.

I'm so tired of it sucking on my energy reserves like a vampire. Like today, what could I have done differently? I was in a positive mood, saw the potential for the latch on, did my triple check. The only think else I could think of was to sit in the parking lot until they got in their car and left, but I don't want to live that way! I feel like that feeds it.


Thanks for reading and not thinking I'm nuts! Gosh this irrational stuff is so dumb and it saddens me to feel so upset when there are people out there with real issues hurting them and sickness etc. I'm a very happy, healthy person and it just doesn't jive with me at all.

Again, sorry it's so long, but it actually felt great to let it out and write about it.
Last edited by Smiling Sunflower on Thu Apr 26, 2012 8:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

Posts: 484
Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2011 8:35 am
Location: Minnesota

Re: Any advice?

Post by Iwillbebetter » Thu Apr 26, 2012 7:20 am

Well first let me assure you, you are NOT nuts, or we both are!! :) I have had many thoughts like that. Sometimes I can even envision myself doing those things. I know I never would, but I can see myself driving into people as they are walking across the intersection I am waiting at or whatever. I have many thoughts/visions of putting things in kids food. and many others things. I have found for me, even just session 3 about changing the negative thoughts to positive helped greatly!! I guess I associated them as negative thoughts. I know there is also a session about stopping scary thoughts, that might be better for you!! Keep at it and you can stop those thoughts dead in their tracts before they are able to "scare" you :)
"Only rainbows after rain, the sun will always come again, and it's a cirlce, circling around again it comes around again...."

lucy knepp
Posts: 87
Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2011 8:31 pm

Re: Any advice?

Post by lucy knepp » Thu Apr 26, 2012 9:57 pm

I don't think you are nuts. Actually, we are all a little nuts maybe. What does nuts mean. I know I have depression and anxiety.............oh well........I am not giving up 62 and still trying. the program has lots of good advice chat and forums are good. Friends and good foo help! Love you all!
Lucy ;)

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