New to the Forum/Trying program again

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Dakota42
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Feb 25, 2019 5:46 pm

New to the Forum/Trying program again

Post by Dakota42 » Wed Feb 27, 2019 12:58 pm

I have struggled with anxiety and depression since I was in about 5th grade, I am 25 now. I had bad OCD also when I was younger. I had many rituals that I had to do and my mom didn't know what was happening. I would cry all the time and was terrified to see a therapist. I eventually made myself stop without any help, even though it was a very scary time. In grade school is when I realized I struggle with anxiety and depression too. Now i am able to function for a couple of months and then slide back into this scary, terrifying, dark place. I have tried many things to ease the pain of anxiety and depression, like therapists, doctors, medications, outpatient programs, and psychiatrists. I am having a hard spell right now. I feel hopeless and like a burden on my family. I do not have a job because of my depression and anxiety and it is very difficult for me to go places. I have tried holding jobs but eventually quit because of my depression. I am currently an assistant girl's high school basketball coach and my mother is the head coach. I am struggling with going to practices and I cry on game days because I'm afraid to go. If my mom wasn't there I would never have gotten this far into the basketball season.

I have been on medication since about 2013 and not one medication has ever stuck. As of a couple days ago I am trying no medication. I am having trouble eating and sleeping and I cry on and off throughout the whole day.

I currently live with my mother and my older sister and have a great support team. (sisters, mother, and grandma) If it wasn't for my family I don't think I would have made it this far. I am a VERY negative person with myself but the most caring person to others. Session 3 was very difficult for me and I really struggle with positive self-talk, self-compassion, and self-care. I am on the 5th session and feel like I am trying really hard but not getting the results that I want. I am scared that this is going to get worse and I will end up back in an outpatient program. I fight with myself all day trying to turn negative thoughts to positive ones. Hopefully, this forum will lift my spirits and give me the courage and strength to continue the program and be patient.

Dakota42

SassySu
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Mar 13, 2019 7:25 pm

Re: New to the Forum/Trying program again

Post by SassySu » Sat Mar 23, 2019 2:22 pm

Hey Dakota42,
Sorry for responding late to your post. I only just figured how to get permission to be online. I had tried this program almost ten years ago and bailed for reasons I can't remember but probably the result of being married with two young children. Unfortunately, I tried to use alcohol to help me through my anxiety which of course only made it worse.
I completely relate to your feelings. I also suffer with OCD and in my teenage years touched things countless times and performed rituals which were exhausting and made me feel like a freak. I was anorexic and bulimic, and now I'm an alcoholic with 8 years sobriety under my belt. Finally, I'm giving this program another go around.
I've know for a long time that my issues are/were around me trying to control my life and the feelings I had (anxiety) which I tried desperately to dull and eliminate through exhaustive and unhealthy ways. I've had anxiety my whole life. Temper tantrums, phobias, you name it. Self hate and low esteem were my first go to.
When I ready your post, I saw myself and I wanted to say. Slow down. Take it easy. Give the program time to sink in. At the very least, you will have some positive results and anything is better than where you were initially coming from. Having said that, I've noticed when I'm making changes, not only does it take time but sometimes it can get a little worse before it gets better. Hang in there. It's natural. Learning new behaviors is challenging and awkward and the results rarely match our expectations but if you hang in there, they often exceed our wildest dreams. Having a sense of humor will help and using this support group as well as friends. Lean on us. Together we can accomplish things that are too hard and scary alone.
SassySu

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